(FANFARE PLAYS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
NARRATOR: The story so far...
Winsome state-registered nurse, Otto von Nail Scissors
whilst on a midget-spotting holiday in Sardinia
meets the sinister stoat-heiress Andromeda Manby Fluteswallower
posing as a dilettante Archbishop and Y. WC.A butterfly champion.
Otto's swarthy cousin, black pudding farmer Milton Stagbottler
and his wife, Air Marshal Sir Abdul Buglepellet
née Reg Pubes the international piano wrestler
and one time personal pig sticker to Donald Peers...
are lured into the all-night Goat Wash and Electric Turkish bath in the Edgware road
where Grummit, zoom...
Strimbongler,, zoom...
(MUSIC: "RITE OF SPRING" BY STRAVINSKY) - Polk, zoom...
Rawicz and Landauer,, and the full West End cast of The Desert Song
are lying in wait for them disguised as...
a typewriter
Meanwhile, in a Chilean slaughter house half way up the Eiffel Tower..
(MUSIC FADES)
Ahem, um I'm afraid there seems to have been some sort of mistake.
Ahem, here is the weather.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
- (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS) - NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show
(MUSIC FADES)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
I am your hostess for tonight
and I would now like to introduce the show.
Oh, oh, but first... l wonder if you could help me.
You see... l have this friend, you see, who's ever so beautiful and lovely
and she wants to get into film and do things like being an international star.
I'm... oh...
She's ever so lovely and beautiful
in an international star sort of way
and I love all film producers.
Yes, and so does she.
Ahem. Her name is the lovely A...
A...
Ada Thing.
So, nice film producers, please send all your big offers
to Ada Thing, care of the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Thank you.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Oh, sorry! The show.
Yes, that fits very well, I'll take one.
- Uh, one sir? - Yes, the left one.
- Not the pair? - No. Just the left one.
I won't be needing the right one, unfortunately.
Um, I'm sorry. I don't quite understand.
Oh, uh, because of the crocodile.
- I beg your pardon? - Because of the crocodile.
What crocodile?
The one that's going to bite my right leg off.
A crocodile's going to bite your right leg off?
Yes, snap! Off comes the leg. Hop, hop, hop, unfortunately.
So, just the left shoe please.
Um, well yes...
- Why is the crocodile going to... - Oh, and a glove.
Better make it just the right one.
- Uh, because of the crocodile? - No, the eagle.
He'll... He'll come to help the crocodile, they do, you know, more's the pity.
So, snap, snap, in the area of my right leg.
Hop, hop, hop, put up my hands to keep my balance and here comes the eagle.
Whoosh, snap, gulp!
No left hand, no right leg, unfortunately, so just the one of each.
Oh, and an eye patch, left eye, because of the stork.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - The stork?
- What stork? - What stork?
Look mate, crocodile, snap, snap, hop, hop, poor old me.
Eagle, whoosh, snap, gulp. That's my hand gone.
And here comes the stork, flap, flap, peck, peck, oh my eye!
Too late, unfortunately, more's the pity and you ask me "What stork?"
Who cares what bloody stork? The damage is done, mate.
When here comes a swarm of bees
buzz, buzz, sting, sting, swarm, swarm, ouch, ouch!
Oh, you'd better give me a balaclava helmet.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - But, but, how, how...
how do you know this is all going to happen?
I don't know, it's only a hunch.
- A hunch? - Yes.
(HE SHOUTS): A hunch?
Get out of here! Stop wasting my time! Get out of my shop!
(CAR SCREECHES)
(HE SCREAMS)
It's always the unexpected, isn't it?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) - Good evening.
Here is the news.
The lovely Aimi MacDonald is very well.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
The end.
(RAUNCHY MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)
(IN A DRUNK VOICE): Take 'em off! Ah!
I said, take 'em off then.
Let's see your clothes off then, come on! Ah!
Come on, let's see your knickers!
I say, let's see your knickers, then. What do we appreciate?
Two, four, six eight...
knickers! Hooray!
- Let's see 'em then, come on. - Um...
- Good evening. - Good evening.
Would you mind keeping the noise down a little please?
- Who are you? - Uh, I'm the bouncer.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- What? - I'm the bouncer.
That is to say I remove people when they become obstreperous.
Shove off!
Uh, now look. Don't make things difficult for me
because I don't want to have to resort to any...
- Out you go then. - (BODY CRASHES)
Hooray! Well done to me!
Take 'em off, then!
Let's see your knickers!
- I said, let's see 'em then. - Uh...
- What? - Uh, now look...
You're an educated man and a gentleman.
- Take your knickers off, go on. - Yes, uh...
- Um, surely I can appeal to your reason? - Of course you can.
I always enjoy people
- appealing to my reason. - Yes, I...
One, two, three, oh, what a relief.
(BODY CRASHES)
Hooray!
Here we go then. Come on!
Let's see you then, girly.
- Let's see you. - Hello.
- Oh, hello. - Me again.
- Oh. - Now, uh, what was I saying?
Uh, you were saying, um...
Surely you can appeal to my reason.
Uh, that's right, yes.
You see, the last thing I want to have to use is violence.
Quite right, too.
K-N-l-C-K-E-R-S, knickers!
- (HE CHEERS) - Uh, yes, uh...
That's the last thing I want to have to use.
- Splendid, splendid. - Instead, I want to appeal to your reason.
- Absolutely right, you should do so. - You see violence...
- Absolutely right. - Violence never solved anything.
You're so right.
Is that trolley free?
Uh, take the early attempts to repress Christianity.
Not only did Caligula, and for that matter, Nero
- fail to extirpate the Christian doctrine... - Up!
But on the, oh... contrary...
There we are.
...by publicising the martyrdom of the oppressed cause
they merely propagated the very ethic, as it were, that they sought to destroy.
Hoist by their own petard, one might venture to say.
- My own... - Please...
I know you're going to bring up that phrase, the double-edged sword of reason
which I'd counter sir, that old Freudian chestnut
about repression of aggressive drives
leading to inhibition in other areas of desired experience, as it were...
which I would counter, woolly thinking, sir.
Woolly thinking.
- Quite right. - Take Mahatma Gandhi for instance, sir.
Or Jung.
I'm sure you're aware of Jung, sir
- as an educated man, sir. - (HE MUTTERS DRUNKENLY)
As you're no doubt aware, sir
he wrote a book about the, uh... architype of the cr...
Just remember what the good book says!
The meek shall inherit the Earth!
God knows how!
- (FANFARE SOUNDS) -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
I name these thousand ships
"The Lovely Aimi MacDonald the Second"
(GLASS SMASHES)
- Oh! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- (OOM-PAH MUSIC PLAYS) - (MEN GRUMBLE)
- Siggy? - Siggy!
Siggy!
- Siggy? - Siggy!
- Siggy? - Siggy?
- Siggy! - Uh...
I think he's gone.
Oh...
Yes, he's gone alright.
Pity, means another whip round, I suppose.
Yes.
- (HE SHOUTS) - (HE MOANS)
- Sir? - Ah! Figg.
Lord Sigwood's gone.
Oh, dear, sir.
So, uh... if you'd do the usual with him
and bring us two more brandies.
So that's, uh...
two brandies here...
and none for Lord Sigwood.
- Sir. - (HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS)
Wonder how long he's been gone.
- Difficult to tell with Siggy. - Yes.
- Difficult. - (HE MUTTERS)
- Damn fine... - Dark horse!
Dark horse, dark horse, but damn fine singer.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HE GRUMBLES)
- Singer? - Who?
- Siggy? - Was he? I didn't know that.
I didn't know.
- Ramsey? - (INCOHERENT MUTTERING)
How are you?
- How are you? - Long time no see.
- Must be sixty years! - Seventy!
- Has it been... - (INCOHERENT MUTTERING)
Oh, oh dear.
- Oh, dear. - Oh, oh...
- See you soon, anyway. - Bye!
Morning Gropey!
Hello, Gropey!
(INDISTINCT GRUMBLING)
Oh, dear me, I feel so tired, argh...
Guide me into the chair will you?
- Am I right for it? - Difficult to tell from here.
(THEY MUTTER)
GROPEY: Down a bit.
- Oh, dear. - Missed it, did he?
- Quite a morning. - (MAN SHOUTS)
- Puffy's gone. - Oh, pity.
Yes.
Damn fine steeplejack, you know...
- Steeplejack? - Yes.
- Morning, Fuzzy. - Hello, Guppy.
Where's Cynthia?
He's over there.
(HE MUTTERS)
- Morning, Guppy. - Morning, Gropey.
Hello Gropey!
Here we are, again.
Guide me into the chair thing, will you?
- Starboard! - Starboard!
- Port! - Port!
- Starboard!
- Port! - Bit more to starboard.
- Starboard. Steady. - Steady.
- Finish engines. - (HE MOANS)
Drift in.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Ah, made it! - (HE GURGLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - There we are!
- Pity about Gropey. - Yes.
Damn fine unicyclist.
Unicyclist?
What are you talking about? He wasn't a unicyclist!
- He was a banker. - Oh.
Damn fine banker.
Funny, didn't look like a banker.
Didn't look like a unicyclist.
Morning!
- Lovely morning! - Hello Clanky, yes.
Lovely, lovely morning. (HE GRUNTS)
There are a lot of us going this morning.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Yes, I wonder how many.
Don't know, let's have a look at the scoreboard.
- Uh... - Uh...
- Uh, 39... - (MAN GRUNTS)
- 40. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Usually busy at the weekends.
Yes.
I don't know what it is about this place
but sometimes I find it very depressing.
- (THEY GRUNT) - (FANFARE PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(XYLOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello.
Now, of course, most of you watching this evening, are not scientists.
Well, I am and so I'm going to talk over your heads a bit.
To serve you right for laughing at me because I don't know any history.
Anyway, I can play the recorder and my spelling's better than it was.
Oh, oh yes, um... well tonight I'm going to tell you about germs
or "bacteria."
"G-E-R-M-S".
Uh, no... apostrophe "S"...
Um... oh!
No, just "S".
Right... Right, then.
Spelling... oh! I mean, germs.
Right, now a lot of you...
unlike us scientists... uh... we scientists
thinks germs is harmful.
Well, they're not, ha, ha, ha!
In fact, we scientists have now found a way of making germs work for us...
scientists... mm!
For example, we scientists have now found that we can make from an ordinary...
cresulo-pseudolic-copio-idase zerpuntia-coccinalifera...
- Ha, ha, ha! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...a germ that will make your kneecap ache. Hm!
Another major breakthrough is that we scientists can now make millions
of new diseases for non-scientists.
Um! For the enemy. Hm!
For example, we can now produce a new extremely large germ.
A germ so large that it can kill a man by acts of physical violence...
like kicking him in the head for laughing at me!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Or kneeing him in the throat. Serve him right!
Serve you all right, you pigs!
You nasty pigs! You filthy pigs, you can keep
your rotten poetry. That won't kill anyone.
And I've got my nice little friends, my germs.
They'll come round and bite your head off!
In fact, I'm going to play my recorder anew
in the Royal Albert Hall. Nobody will laugh at me.
Nobody will laugh at me because I can't spell
and if they do, my germs will execute them! Hm!
So don't you forget that! Ever! Hm! Hm! Hm!
And now I'd like to finish with a song.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
# If I ruled the world #
# Every day would be the first day.. #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DRUMROLL)
Hello. I expect you're all wondering
how the "Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald a Rich Lady" fund is getting on.
- Well, it's not! - (SHE STAMPS HER FOOT)
Only one little postal order for one and nine
and even the gracious lovely Aimi MacDonald herself, is very angry.
In fact, she's so angry that she rang nice Mr Wilson
and he said you've all got to give. It's a new rule.
After all, if he can take the trouble...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
Hello.
- Hello. - Uh...
You don't by any chance happen to know the latest test score, do you?
- No, I don't. - Oh.
Uh, is that today's paper, is it?
- Yes. - Only that might have
the test score in it, you see.
- Uh, no. - Are you sure?
- Quite. - Only most papers have the test score.
Do you think I might have a peep?
- Just see... - This is a Spanish newspaper!
Oh, absoluti menti splendido, eh? Ha!
Uh, do you think the Spanish newspaper might have the test score in it?
- No. - On the sports page?
- No! - Under the bullfighting?
No! Here in Spain the test score is considered fairly unimportant.
Only it's the fifth test.
- Have you been here long, then? - About eight years.
I've been here three days.
When do you go back then? End of the week?
- I'm sorry? - Going back on Sunday, are you?
I live here! I've been here eight years.
Yes, you said. Yes.
So, you live here then, do you?
I'm on holiday.
My name's Sidney Lotterby.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Do you have a radio perchance? - Yes.
Uh, you didn't happen to hear the test score this morning, did you?
No! I promise I don't know the test score.
Why don't you ask that man over there. I'm sure he knows.
No, he told me to ask you.
- Well I don't know it! - Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure I don't know it. I swear before God
I don't know the test score. Huh!
Why should I lie to you about it? I'd tell you if I knew it.
(HE SHOUTS): Oh, does anybody here know the test score?
There! Nobody knows it.
Only the last I heard from Old Trafford was 187 for four.
(HE SHOUTS): Only the last we heard from Old Trafford was 187 for four!
Ha!
Uh, perhaps if you try that again in Spanish?
(HE SHOUTS): Lo último que hemos entendido del Old Trafford
era ciento ochenta y siete para cuatro.
No!
There are some Germans over there.
Die letzte die wir haben gehört aus Old Trafford
war hundertsiebenundachtzig für vier
Attention! Attention! Mesdames et messieurs, je vous en prie.
Le plus tard que nous avons entendu d'Old Trafford
était cent quatre-vingt-septpour quatre.
- Non! No. No luck! - Do you think we might try the, uh...
(HE SPEAKS CHINESE)
Uh, what did he say?
- Two hundred and six for five. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(ORCHESTRAL CHORD PLAYS)
Hello film producers.
Good news. I've managed to get my friend the lovely Ada, uh... Thong
to come along and perform one of her classical roles for you.
You know? Oh, it's called "The Death of Caesar".
And she wants to show you that she can really act.
OK? Come along, Ada.
I'm Ada Thang
and I'm about to perform one of my classical roles.
Ouch!
(KNIFE CLATTERS ON FLOOR)
Et tu, Brute?
Oh! Did you really think that was great?
Well it wasn't Ada Thang at all. It was me all the time.
The lovely Aimi MacDonald, you see.
And I can dance, and I can sing!
- (SHE HUMS) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Ah, good morning, sir. My name is Rogers, can I help you?
Yeah. Good morning Mr Rogers, uh... I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.
I'm sorry?
Uh, I said, "I'd like to buy a hearing aid".
Didn't quite catch it.
(HE SHOUTS): I want to buy a hearing aid!
Hang on a moment, I'll just switch the radio off.
- (RADIO PLAYS BAGPIPE MUSIC) - I'm sorry, what were you saying?
- What? - What were you saying?
I'm sorry, I can't hear.
- What? - Radio! Too loud!
Oh, yes. It's better now, isn't it?
Sorry, I couldn't hear anything you said before, you see.
- Pardon? - I said...
- I couldn't hear... - Hang on a moment
I think there must be something wrong.
I think I've got my hearing aid switched off.
Hang on. Ah, yes! That's it.
Yes, right. I'm sorry. I've only had it a few days. Right, it's on now.
- Is it good? - About 14 guineas.
- Yeah, but is it good? - No, it fits in the pocket, there.
Can you hear me?
- What? - Can... you... hear... me?
Oh, contact lenses!
You want contact lenses. I'll get Dr Waring, then.
He does the contact lenses. I only do the hearing aids.
Well, I wanted to buy a hearing aid.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ah, good morning. You want some contact lenses?
- What? - You wanted some contact lenses?
I can't hear what you're saying, Dr Waring.
You want a hearing aid, not contact lenses!
No, no, no. I'm the one who wants the hearing aid.
Who said that?
- What? - I think there's someone else here.
- Really? - Yes, there's someone else here.
Yes it's me here, here. Here!
Ah! Then you're the gentleman that wanted the contact lenses.
Uh, no, no. I want a hearing aid.
Oh, oh. Well, Mr Rogers will see to you.
Mr Rogers! Someone to see you!
Good. He'll be here in a moment. Now sir, if you'll just come this way
we'll see about your lenses.
- What? - We'll see about your lenses
- if you'll just come this way. - I don't understand, Dr Waring.
(DOOR THUDS)
- Why didn't you say you were Rogers? - What?
Oh, you know my lenses play me up sometimes. I'm sorry about the confusion.
Now sir, you wanted some contact lenses did you?
No, no, no, no, no. I wanted a hearing aid.
Oh, well Mr Rogers will see to you and I'll deal with this gentleman.
Now, if you'll just come this way, sir. We'll try the lenses.
Lovely morning isn't it? OK, after you.
Uh, now Mr... Uh, now Mr Rogers!
(HE SHOUTS): I want a hearing aid.
- What? - DR WARING: Hello!
I'm sorry, I'm worried about Dr Waring.
I think he thinks he's with someone.
- DR WARING: Hello! - Well, had you better go and tell him?
No, no, no. I'd better go and tell him.
DR WARING: Hello?
Hello, Dr Waring?
DR WARING: Oh, there you are. I thought I'd lost you.
ROGERS: Dr Waring, you're not with anyone.
DR WARING: Of course I am. Who's that speaking then?
- ROGERS: What? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
DR WARING: Sit down here...
- Well, why didn't you say you were Rogers? - It's about a quarter past four.
Now you must be the gentleman who wanted the contact lenses.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no! I want a hearing aid!
Oh, so you must be the man that wants the contact lenses?
No, no, I want a hearing aid!
Mr Rogers, these two gentlemen want contact lenses.
What?
- No, hearing aid, hearing aids! - I'm sorry I can't...
I can't hear. There's something wrong with my hearing aid!
Hang on, I'll give it a bang.
(HIGH-PITCHED WAILING)
Ow! Ow!
- (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING STOPS) - Ah! Ah! Oh, that's better.
Oh, wait a moment, I knocked my contact lenses out.
Oh, hang on! Hang on! Don't move anyone. Don't move, I'll find them.
I've come to complain about my contact lenses!
- What? - I've come to complain
about my contact lenses!
They're terrible. They've ruined my eyesight!
- But I haven't given you any! - You're a liar!
What?
Ha! Ha! You're a liar. You swindler, you money-grubbing quack!
- Don't you speak to me like that! - I'll speak to you just how I like!
Ha! Fisticuffs! Fisticuffs, eh?
- Well, if you want it that way! - Take that!
- (GLASS SMASHES) - Ha! Missed! Ha, ha!
- Had enough, eh? - Too quick for you!
- Ha! Well, take that! - Uh!
- Whoa! - (GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, break my shop up would you?
- Uh, ha! Got you! - Help, help, I'm being attacked.
Help me, Dr Waring!
Alright Rogers, I've got him!
ROGERS: Quick, quick, grab his arms, I've got him round the middle!
I can't, he's got me round the waist!
Attack Dr Waring would you?
- Let's throw him out. - Right!
BOTH: A one, a two, a three!
(BODIES THUD)
You should see them when they've had a couple of drinks.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
And now I'd like to sing you my latest record.
MEN SHOUT: Not now!